Nonviolent coaching
A lot of my approach as a coach has come through reflecting on my own experiences as a client, working with a variety of therapists and coaches.
I realized that the number one thing that makes these relationships a failure for me is when the coach doesn’t give me enough space. When I feel like they’re never listening to me. When they’re too attached to their own ideas of what I need, and they don’t give up on these ideas when I push back.
I’ve thought a lot about why this happens and how to avoid this failure mode. I like the language of “nonviolence” to describe my goal as a coach.
What is nonviolence in coaching?
Nonviolence might be a bit of strange word to describe the concept I have in mind. For many people, violence simply means physical harm. But to me the concept of violence is broader and subtler. For example, the practice of “nonviolent communication” teaches how our communications can subtly coerce, manipulate, or shame others, even if we’re not shouting and breaking glasses.
Nonviolence is one of the core principles of the Hakomi Method of therapy, which blends eastern and western psychology. I frequently return to this passage from Ron Kurtz, the developer of Hakomi:
Violence in therapy is very subtle… When someone simply assumes they know what is best for others, you have violence… When therapists ask questions to gather information for themselves, often interrupting the client to do so, that’s violence, and it breeds resistance. The client may sit through the hour and go through the motions, but something inside them takes offense and begins to resist. Violence in therapy is not just deliberate, physical harm. It is a failure to accept the whole person who is client, a person with his own story, her own ideas, images, needs, wishes, capacities, pace. Violence is being too much stuck in your own agenda to really be healing for another.
Nonviolence is born of an attitude of acceptance and an active attention to the way events naturally unfold. It works hand in hand with mindfulness, which helps us to understand without interfering. It takes a long time to learn.
- Ron Kurtz, Body-Centered Psychotherapy: The Hakomi Method, page 29 (emphasis added)
Building trust
One of the most delightful parts of my experience as a coach is watching my client relationships develop and my clients showing more trust with me over time.
What does this look like? At first a client may not feel comfortable opening up in certain ways. But over time our conversations become more easy and natural. We can easily jump between high-level strategy discussions and deep emotional work. We both feel curiosity and excitement about each other’s ideas.
Developing this trust takes patience and a willingness to let go of control. When a client describes an issue they’re having, often I have ideas about what’s causing the issue that the client might not agree with or want to discuss at first. For example, the client describes a problem that I think is caused by some emotional stickiness in them, but they disagree and want to focus on the object-level concern. The best approach is to offer my ideas but not push them if the client shows aversion or disinterest. If I’m genuinely curious, then I’ll be happy to switch to a different perspective rather than fighting with them about my idea.
The cool thing is that over time, I’ve watched my clients become more and more open to ideas they initially disliked. The more I let go of my need for a client to accept my perspective, the more the client opens up to me. It’s the same paradox that shows up in so many places in life.
Why is nonviolence hard?
I’ve seen over and over again how my agendas show up in coaching. Here are some common examples.
I get stuck on a new idea or worldview that I’m excited about but isn’t working for my client. I’ve definitely experienced other coaches doing this with me too!
I often have an agenda for my client to like working with me and want to keep doing it. This is understandable since I’d like to earn a living through coaching. The best antidote is an attitude of abundance. There are plenty of potential clients in the world, and potential ways I can earn money. Believing I need to hang on any particular client for my own security is a recipe for disaster. This is very analogous to the world of dating. If I meet someone who I believe is the only person who can make me happy, I’ll try anything to get them to be in relationship with me. But if I feel that potential avenues for my happiness are abundant, I can let people flow in and out of my life easily.
Sometimes I have an agenda to be seen as a helpful or wise person.
At a more fundamental level, we have to become nonviolent inside. If we are violent towards our own life, we’ll be violent with everyone around us. I enjoy this description by M.D. and teacher Angelo DiLullo, when discussing the possibility of living in “uninterrupted peace”:
I’m not talking about walking around in this life believing that you are a peaceful person, or that you are creating peace in the world. Some people who have built identities around being peaceful are actually deeply divided on the inside, and energetically attract and cause unpeaceful situations.
- Angelo DiLullo, Awake: It’s Your Turn
Deepening nonviolence
Though the exploration of nonviolence has been a major theme of my coaching experience since I began two years ago, I feel I’m only beginning to scratch the surface with this skill. I think Ron Kurtz is right: “It takes a long time to learn.”
Here’s what’s helped me learn so far:
I do a lot of meditation retreats, where I’m trying to learn to be with my experience however it manifests.
I observe the places I get stuck with clients, and reflect on how my agendas are getting in the way.
In my personal relationships, I observe the ways I’m not accepting my loved ones as they are.
I’m so grateful to my teachers, clients, family members, and friends who support my continued exploration of how to most skillfully relate to myself and others. Thanks to all my dear ones who support me through challenging moments. To all my clients, thank you for enabling me to join you on this fun journey.
